Reflective Listening

     By Janet Powell, The Parenting Coach 

This is a very useful skill to use in order to understand the feelings and concerns of another person, whether they be a friend, colleague, your partner or your child. This can often be the first step in helping that person to deal with the concern, or understand something that worries him or her. 

Reflective Listening involves stating back to the person what you believe he/she is feeling at that moment. The clues are what he/she says and how he/she looks. This is a skill to use when you think the other person has a problem, and when you can take some time to listen.

For example, if your son comes home from school looking really unhappy, with a scowl on his face, you could say “You seem unhappy about something at the moment.” The child would usually come back with a comment which would show that you have picked up on the feeling correctly (or that you’ve got it wrong). For instance, he might say “Yes, I’ve had a really bad day!” (or “No, I’m just thinking!”) You could then follow up the “Yes….” comment with “So, your day was really bad!”, giving the child the opportunity to open up and give you more information. Note that these are statements, not questions. Some people don’t like to be questioned about their feelings, so this method will allow them to have their feelings acknowledged and understood without being “interrogated”. 

This may seem a bit false to start with, but with practice, it does come more naturally and you’ll quickly see the benefits.

 The most important part of using this listening skill is to acknowledge the fact that the other person is experiencing a strong emotion, and to name that emotion. You may then go on to help with the problem if that is what the person wants, or it may be that showing him/her you understand their feelings is enough. That could be all that they need from you and can now deal with the problem alone, or they decide the problem has gone once the emotion has been released and recognised.In the example above, this could end with your son saying “Well, it wasn’t really that bad. Can I have a muffin for afternoon tea?” End of reflective listening! 

We are not responsible for “fixing” all the problems in our family, so reflective listening is a tool to help others know that their experiences are understood and acknowledged; that we care how they feel. We will not dismiss or judge their feelings, nor expect them to use a solution to suit our own wishes. 

Reflective Listening is also valuable in exploring different emotions and putting names to them. Instead of always saying “I’m angry”, try using other words, like “cross”, “frustrated”, “aggravated”, “furious”, “indignant”, “resentful”, “irritated”, “horrified”, “hurt”, “exasperated”, “disgusted”, “disappointed”, “confused” to describe exactly how you feel. The ability to identify and express feelings is increasingly being recognised as a crucial life-skill, to be encouraged from an early age. Remember you are your child’s first teacher and the role-model! 

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